My RibTicklilng Life
by TheSpectrum890
Summary: These are some of the most knee-slappin'ly funny quotes from my life I can remember!


**There are so many kewl quotes and convos my friends, family and I have had, I was too lazy to fit them all in my profile (and I just… you know… wanted to make my profile a bummer…) So here they are. Some of these were at one point on my profile**

…

SETTING: Meghan and I have just finished sledding after I ran face-first into a snowdrift. I thought it would make a good cave, so I began to dig.

Me: (Digging) Hey Meghan, can you pass me some snow?  
>Meghan: (Throws a snowball at me)<br>Me: Oh, oh I see how it is! (Throws one back)  
>(We get into a huge, long fight, ending with each of us cowering in our snow caves and Meghan behind her sled, which is stuck in the snow on its side)<br>Me: (After about ten minutes of relentless digging) Meghan, I'm tired of hiding. And digging. Truce?  
>Meghan: Truce.<br>(I climb over and peek over her sled to see a pile of snowballs)  
>Me: You had a secret snowball stash!<br>Meghan: Did not!  
>Me: Did to!<br>Meghan: Did not!  
>Me: Did too!<br>Meghan: (Picks one up) WANT ME TO USE 'EM?  
>Me: (Cowering in fear) No, no please! Have mercy!<p>

…

SETTING: I'm rubbing Mother's back because she's sad and tired.  
>Mother: Oh, that feels really nice. Please… don't stop. Just a few more moments.<br>Me: (A very false cough) _THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! _Eh-hem. Sorry. 'Scuse me.

…

SETTING: At school, in the classroom, there's a hole in the ceiling. We're all throwing pencils at it.  
>Me: (Throws a pencil) Hmm. I think I have pretty good aim. (Throws another and hits the edge, causing white bits of drywall dust to fall)<br>Mrs. Roy: (Walking in) What are you doing in here?  
>Patricia: They were throwing pencils in the hole and white stuff came out!<br>Me: (Subtle fake cough) _THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! _Eh-hem. What was that?  
>Patricia: Who's she?<br>Garrett: Ahh, Patricia. I admire your innocence.

…

SETTING: I'm on the downstairs computer, Dad's in his bedroom, Miranda's on the upstairs computer.  
>Dad: NICHOLE!<br>Me: (Hops off the computer) Yes?  
>Dad: MIRANDA!<br>Miranda: (Ignores him)  
>Me: Why did you exclaim our names, Beloved Father?<br>Dad: I sometimes think that because I'm 58, I have to shout my daughters' names in case I forget. JORDAN!  
>Me: Who's Jordan? How old is she?<br>Dad: Jordan is your long-lost sister. She's 17.  
>Me: You haven't been married for 17 years, though.<br>Dad: I know. She was a wedlock.  
>Me: Oh. Like a secret sister. (Makes for Google so I can look up the term wedlock)<br>Dad: Yes. JEFFERY!  
>Me: MIRANDA! WE HAVE A SECRET BROTHER!<p>

…

SETTING: I'm sitting on a stool at the counter and Dad and Mom are leaning over it. I see a juice bag and my mouth flows into motion!  
>Me: Mom, I need something pointier to stab the juice with. The straw won't penetrate.<br>Mom: Okay.  
>Me: I'm serious! Everyone at my table tried to stab it hard enough! It didn't work!<br>Mom: Okay. I'll put in a fork.  
>Me: Ha. Take that, juice. I can stab you all I want, and there's nothin' you can do 'bout it!<br>Dad: Okay, why are you stabbing Jews? Is Hitler your role model? What am I not getting?  
>(Mother and I burst out laughing)<br>Me: Dad, not JEWS, JUICE!  
>Mom: This is embedded into my memories.<p>

…

SETTING: Social Studies, talking about hunting pythons in the Evergreens or wherever in Florida.  
>Cade: If I were hunting pythons, I'd hunt them in the trees. They wouldn't know what hit them.<br>Me: Cade, you do know that pythons live in trees, right?

…

SETTING: The hallway, right after a Social Studies conversation about why saving the rainforests is important an how you can buy a section of a rainforest so people can't cut it down.  
>Me: Yeah! Save the rainforests! I'm buyin' one of those sections!<br>Garrett: I swear, in 20 years, I'm gonna be hunting orangutans, and I'm gonna see you with a beard holding a 'save the rainforest' sign and shouting "SAVE THE RAINFORESTS!"  
>Me: Would you recognize me with a beard?<br>(Fades into thoughtful silence as we contemplate me with a beard)  
>Garrett: Yeah, yeah I would.<br>Me: Hmm. I have that much of an impression on you? How reassuring.

…

SETTING: Science, coloring a project, sitting at our table, talking about names.  
>Me: I could name her Phyllis.<br>Sophie: Phyllis is a grandma name!  
>Me: My grandma's name is Phyllis.<br>Caleb: Yes?  
>Me: What, so your name is Phyllis now? Okay then.<br>_To this day, I call him Phyllis. _

…

SETTING: Homeroom, at our table, talking about the book The Book Thief.  
>Sophie: See, it's narrated by Death.<br>Phyllis: Who names their kid Death?

…

SETTING: Church. At my church, the service I go to is for teenagers, and it has its own band and the pastor is awesome. His name is Mark.  
>Mark: (Having just stepped up to the stage and picked up the microphone to find a little string attached to it) What is this? It's like a tail… I don't' like tails…<p>

…

SETTING: Church, the same day as before.  
>Mark: It's like… cats. Cats cannot be Christian. They use your legs to pet themselves and they raise their tails and show you their butts. No Christian shows you their butt, or uses your legs to pet themselves. Cats are like… anti-Christian.<p>

…

SETTING: We've sat down for dinner. I've just finished watching the two strangest commercials I've ever seen.  
>Me: Wanna know about the commercials I just watched?<br>Miranda: Not really, but I'm sure you'll tell us.  
>Me: Yeah, so, like, I was watching this one about children who go missing, and the lady was like 'you can help those missing and exploding children if you just do your part…' blah blah blah. I was all WHAAAA? 'Cause it's not every day you see a commercial about exploding children. I got this horrible image in my head with a couple kids playing kickball with a bomb and the bomb explodes and all the kids blood and guts fly everywhere…<br>Mom: How about the next one?  
>Me: Oh yeah, you know that Daisy sour cream commercial? It was singing 'Do a dollar, do do a dollar with Daisy!' and I didn't know why! Why would anyone want to do a dollar with Daisy? And who's Daisy?<br>Mom: (Shaking her head) What am I going to do with you?

…

SETTING: I've just gotten bored of watching Twilight, so I'm replaying it and writing down all the stupid little things.  
>Me: Hey, Dad, check this out. When Eddie plugs his nose, it gets all ugly and red!<br>Dad: Hmm.  
>Me: And I started calling him Ed the Sped!<br>Dad: I didn't need to hear that.

…

SETTING: The bus. Joe hates it when I get annoying, so I get annoying as much as I possibly can.  
>Me: Hey Joe, what's your favorite type of tree?<br>Joe: Well—  
>Me: Hey Joe, what's your favorite type of flower?<br>Joe: I—  
>Me: Hey Joe, what's your favorite type of ice cream cone?<br>Joe: (Ignores me)  
>Me: Hey Joe, am I getting annoying?<br>Joe: Yes.  
>Me: Hey Joe, do you want me to stop?<br>Joe: Yes.  
>Me: Hey Joe, do you care all that much if I don't care about what you have to say right now?<br>Joe: Excuse me?  
>Me: You're excused.<p>

…

SETTING: Sitting in my living room, talking about a quote from my book while Miranda's on the phone.  
>Me: (Bursts out laughing) Miranda, listen to this! 'If you were to simply toss up her skirts and play hide the sausage, I'd understand. That's certainly what <em>I<em> intend to do with my lovely friend here.'  
>Miranda: (Bursts out laughing and speaks into the phone) Sam, you gotta hear this in her own words! Her tone is hilarious!<br>Me: (Repeats the totally rib-ticklingly awkward quote into the phone)  
>(From the phone I hear) Sam: OH MY GAWD!<p>

…

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**That's all I got for ya for now. Give me a couple reviews and I shall continue.**


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